remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
