Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Do vagina's smell?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
