I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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