Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
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