mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
