I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
