Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sext me about skeletons
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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