WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
