I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dear god my vagina.
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