is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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