Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
