You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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