"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
