I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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