Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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