you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
