If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
