you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
