this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
