I wish they made helmets for livers.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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