you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.