i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
