when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My penis needs a shock collar
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
