Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
