i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
