My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
