i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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