i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
