I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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