she looked like the before picture.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
