Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
