The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
my poor anus
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
