I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i wish my penis had a tongue
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
