guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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