HIV tests are more positive than that guy
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
