I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
