DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
