I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
4 words: hood of his car
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
