I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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