now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
