You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
did i just pee glitter
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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