I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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