My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
