I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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