Whod you bang
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
