I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
