Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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