Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
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he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
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I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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