You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
