I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
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I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
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speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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