So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
