I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize