i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
