I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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